New Labour gene isolated

14th Dec 2005, 12:00 am

Scientists at Loughborough University have announced a crucial discovery, answering that most baffling of questions: 'What makes people support New labour?'

"It's all down to genetics" said Nigel Pickering, head of the biology faculty at the university. "We have been able to isolate the very gene responsible for causing this strange, and previously inexplicable, behaviour."

It is most recognisable in certain high-profile cases. He referred to that of "Simon Fanshawe, the er, - what does he do exactly? - oh well, something to do with the Council in Brighton. Anyway, the gene turned the one-time Young Tory member into a sufferer of the 'end stage' variant of New Labour."

"The symptoms caused by this gene can only be described as a disease, and for someone like Fanshawe the prospects are not good I'm afraid. As far as we know, there's no cure."

Toad wearing square-rimmed glasses
A New Labour toady

A typical sufferer would find themselves agreeing with apparently right-wing policies put forward by the Labour government, quite often in complete contradiction to previously stated beliefs.

Pickering continued "Ruth Kelly, Charles Clarke... these are obviously serious cases." When asked about John Prescott however Pickering suggested he probably did not have the rogue gene. "Well, although he acts in complete contradiction to his previous long political career, on balance I'd say no. He's probably just a self serving fat bastard."


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